


Breaking Point

by Anobii1992



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Friendship, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Whumptober
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:40:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26822296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anobii1992/pseuds/Anobii1992
Summary: When the Doctor reaches her breaking point, she needs her friends more than ever but letting them in is never easy.Set at some point during S12
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 29
Kudos: 89





	Breaking Point

Quiet.

Finally.

But not peace.

The Doctor walked around the console looking for something to do. But she had spent so much time doing maintenance recently that there was nothing left to do.

How could there be nothing to do?

She had been travelling thousands of years, never before had she had nothing to do.

Her attention was captured by the internal scanner. The fam were all together, around the table in the kitchen with a cup of tea.

What she didn’t notice was that there were four cups on the table.

They were talking about her. And it wasn’t the first time she had caught them at it in the last few weeks. She looked at the dial next to the scanner. The volume control. She could turn it on, listen in. Hear what they were saying.

 _No. It’s spying._ Argued one voice inside of her.

 _It’s your ship. Your rules. You can do whatever you want._ Argued her other side, the side that was ruled by anger and resentment, that seemed to be asserting its dominance more and more these days.

_They’re your friends. Just go and talk to them._

_Are they? Good friends don’t sit around discussing you. Besides, when did you ever promise them privacy?_

The Doctor reached out and turned the dial. It emitted a soft crackle like an old fashioned radio and then Graham’s voice filled the console room.

_“… me so angry that anyone can do that.”_

_“She’s our friend. We need to be patient, she’s clearly very unhappy.”_ That was Yaz’s voice.

The Doctor snorted derisively. Yaz had no idea what she was talking about.

She was numb. Like nothing could get through to pierce the barriers of her hearts anymore. Nothing good and nothing bad. Just… empty. Like a void.

 _“Well it’s not like we can just ask her. She’ll only bite our head off.”_ That was Ryan.

_“She’s in pain. Can't you see it?”_

_“Doesn’t give her the right to speak to us the way she does. We’re supposed to be her mates but she doesn’t trust us with anything.”_

The Doctor growled in frustration and shoved the monitors away from her, accidentally knocking the speaker off in the process.

They were angry with her.

Of course they were.

They probably hated her.

She hated herself.

Maybe it would be best if she took them home. She could always tell them she was just dropping them off for the weekend and then go, then there would be no messy good-byes. It would be better for them. And if they were angry, they wouldn’t miss her.

No fuss.

Just quiet.

She ignored the voice in her head that pointed out that then she would be alone. And if she really thought about it, she really didn’t want to be alone.

The thought of being alone was terrifying.

She picked up the damaged section of speaker, turning it over in her hands slowly, contemplating. She thought about fixing it but suddenly she was filled with a rage that came from nowhere, consuming her and she threw it across the room as hard as she could. It felt good.

The Tardis whined unhappily but she ignored it.

She felt like all the anger and grief inside her was trying to burst out all at once, pouring out of her like a tidal wave. It was all consuming. It was choking her.

She kicked out at the console feeling a brief flutter of satisfaction as the sand timer shattered under her boot. 

With a shriek she brought her hands down on the console. Hard.

She didn’t even feel the shards of glass from the broken sand timer under her hands as she slammed them down again and again.

She ignored the tears streaking down her face and the burn in her throat from the screaming. There was blood flowing freely down her wrists and onto the console.

She didn’t care.

She _deserved_ it.

“… doesn’t have to tell us anything but I’m still her friend and I still care.” Yaz said, pushing away from the table abruptly.

Graham and Ryan were rapidly losing patience with the Doctor and her volatile moods. But they didn’t see the pain in her eyes, it was only there when she thought no one was looking. They hadn’t heard the crying in the Tardis long after she thought they were all in bed, only Yaz could never find her. They didn’t get it.

Yaz had a feeling that the Doctor was trying to protect them something though she didn’t know what and that made her annoyed. For her whole life people had been trying to wrap her up in cotton wool. Especially since she was sixteen. Like she couldn’t be trusted around sharp objects. But she was a police officer for crying out loud, not a little girl who needed extra special looking after her.

Yaz headed down the corridor, intending on going to bed. And she was sure that half an hour ago, this corridor would have taken her to bed. Only now… it was like the Tardis wanted her to be somewhere specific. It took her a couple of moments to realise that she was being led towards the console room.

Did she want to see the Doctor right now? She wanted to be there for her, but the Doctor was intensely private and there was almost an unspoken rule that they didn’t disturb her at night. It was her private time, doing whatever it was that she did. Crossing that barrier didn’t really seem like the best way to inspire trust from the other woman right now.

But Yaz’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of banging, another sound that was possibly something breaking and then a howl.

It sounded like an animal was being tortured and she broke into a run, almost tripping over her own feet as she took the slope towards the console room as fast as she dared.

Around her the Tardis was whining unhappily though Yaz didn’t know what she was saying, only the Doctor spoke whistles and beeps.

Yaz hesitantly pushed open the door, nervous about what she might find. But if the Doctor was in there with some unknown foe, she might need help.

She knew the Doctor had been planning on adding an extra layer of protection to the Tardis shields, had she done it though?

Yaz wasn’t sure what she had been expecting, but it wasn’t that. Nothing could have prepared her for the sight that met her eyes.

The Doctor, the pillar of strength, the pacifist, the calm in the eye of the storm was there alone. Not being attacked by some deadly foe. No wounded creature. The horrific howls were coming from her throat, the banging and crashing coming as she repeatedly attacked herself and the Tardis, slamming her hands against the console. Her hair was in total disarray as she pulled at it and there were gouge marks down her cheeks where she had apparently clawed at her own face. Her jumper was torn and there was blood dripping freely onto the console. All around them the Tardis was making noises of distress which the Doctor didn’t seem to be able to hear. She certainly hadn’t reacted to Yaz’s presence. Whatever tape and glue she had been using to hold herself together had apparently come unstuck.

Without hesitating to consider the consequences or the fact that the Doctor was significantly stronger than she looked, Yaz ran into the console room and grabbed the Doctor’s wrists, trying to prevent her from causing even more damage.

The Doctor didn’t seem to be aware of Yaz as she jerked her hands back aggressively out of Yaz’s grasp, once again slamming her hands into the console.

The Tardis emitted a noise of alarm before apparently trying to soothe her pilot but to no avail.

Yaz squared up for a second attempt, this time putting all her police training to good use. She grabbed the Doctor again, one arm around her ribs, the other around her upper chest and over her shoulder and yanked her backwards as hard as she could, desperate to get her away from the console before she caused any more damage.

“LET GO OF ME!” the Doctor snarled, clawing at Yaz’s hands as she attempted to break free of Yaz’s strong grip. It was like she had no awareness of what was happening or who was restraining her.

“I can't Doctor, not until I know you’re not going to hurt yourself.” Yaz said, having to shout to be heard over the Doctor’s screams of rage.

The Doctor kicked out, trying desperately to free herself. She was like a whirling dervish and Yaz was terrified what she might to herself or to her if she let go now when the Doctor was in this state.

“Doctor stop. It’s me, it’s Yaz” Yaz begged, feeling on the verge of tears.

The Doctor continued to fight and scratch for a moment and then, all of a sudden, like someone had flicked a switch, all the fight went out of her and her knees buckled underneath her.

The Doctor let out a cry of agony and Yaz staggered slightly under her weight. She sank to her knees bringing the Doctor with her but didn’t let go, terrified that if she did the Doctor would continue with her violent destruction of the Tardis and herself.

Yaz felt the moment that the Doctor seemed to realise what had happened as she jerked suddenly, stiffening in Yaz’s arms. She shoved her hands in her pockets as if to hide from Yaz what she had done. It was a bit late for that Yaz thought, especially as she didn’t manage to hide a hiss of pain while she did it.

Yaz felt the adrenaline, or whatever the alien equivalent was, leave the Doctor as she sagged bonelessly against her. Yaz relaxed her grip, adjusting so she was holding the Doctor in an embrace rather than a restraint.

“It’s okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” Yaz whispered softly.

Yaz knew the Doctor had finally hit her breaking point as she began to sob. First a little cry, then huge, shuddering gasps. Yaz had no idea what was going on but she held on tight anyway, rocking the Doctor gently , stroking her hair and murmuring reassurances in her ear.

Eventually, the crying began to ease. Yaz’s shirt was soaked. The Doctor was a quivering wreck, her face pale and blotchy, covered in a sheen of sweat.

They sat in silence for another few minutes until Yaz noticed a small but growing patch of red on the Doctor’s coat. She gently held the Doctor’s wrists and pulled them from her pockets. 

She tried to stifle a gasp. The Doctor had seriously outdone herself this time. Her hands were beaten to a bloody pulp, peppered with shards of glass, in some places considerably more than shards, and were clearly broken in several places.

Yaz carefully extracted herself from underneath the Doctor and levered the Doctor into a standing position by the elbows.

“Come on Doctor, lets get you to the medbay” she said sadly, wrapping a supportive arm around the Doctor’s waist, concerned about how she seemed to be wavering on her feet where she stood.

The Doctor withdrew suddenly. “No med bay.”

“But Doctor we have to do something about your hands. We can't leave them in that state.”

“Not the medbay” the Doctor growled stubbornly, lurching through the console room and into the Tardis corridors.

Yaz followed behind her anxiously, concerned she was going to keel over at any moment. The Doctor was pale and clammy and, far more worryingly, was continuing to drip blood as she staggered down the corridor, looking increasingly unsteady.

Finally, the Doctor seemed to reach what she was looking for. A door that Yaz had never seen before. At least, she thought it was a door though it had no visible handle. The Doctor was leaning on it, or bracing herself against it as she whispered to it in a language Yaz couldn’t understand.

The door opened suddenly with a soft click and Yaz had to grab the Doctor to stop her falling. She could feel just how much the Doctor was shaking as she attempted to feebly pull herself away. Yaz ignored her and steered her towards the large, ornate, four poster bed.

Yaz was pretty sure they were in the Doctor’s private quarters. The room was both exactly what she expected and nothing like it at the same time. The large, wood panneled room appeared to open to the heavens though she knew it didn’t really. Aside from the bed where the Doctor was currently sitting there was a comfortable seating area, bookshelves galore and a telescope pointing out of the large, glass windows. A long stripey scarf Yaz had never seen before was hanging over a wardrobe door and the bedside cabinet contained two photographs – one of a woman with a shock of curly hair and the other a black and white photograph of a teenager who looked about fifteen. The large fire place filled with merrily crackling flames attempted to give the room a warm and cosy air but overall, the impression Yaz had was one of neglect. The Doctor’s private room it may be but it felt like it hadn’t been used in a long time.

“Where can I get a first aid kit?” Yaz asked gently.

The Doctor indicated towards a second door Yaz hadn’t noticed and she walked through to a luxurious ensuite. She wasn’t surprised that the Doctor had her own, personal medical supplies, she was always resistant to the medbay. Even when she had been knocked unconscious a few weeks ago, she had slept there for three days and when she had finally woken up she had been out of there as fast as her legs would carry her. Yaz lifted a simple metal box from beside the sink and took it to the bedroom.

The Doctor hadn’t moved from where Yaz had perched her on the edge of the bed and looked dazed. Yaz bent down and gently removed the Doctor’s boots to reveal a garish, mix matched socks before encouraging her onto the bed properly so her back was resting against the headboard. She sat cross legged and Yaz joined her, mirroring her position.

“May I?” Yaz asked gently, indicating the Doctor’s hands. She was painfully aware that the woman in front of her never asked for help and rarely accepted it.

The Doctor stared at Yaz for a long moment before giving a tiny, single nod and Yaz fished through the box looking for a pair of tweezers.

She put a small towel across her lap and very, very gently, laid the Doctor’s hands on it. As gently as she could, she started to, very carefully, extract the glass from the Doctor’s left hand.

“What did the Tardis do to incur your wrath?” Yaz asked in a deliberately casual voice.

The Doctor looked at her through raised eyes, her head bowed low.

Yaz was very aware of just how much trust the Doctor was placing in her right now. Not only had she allowed Yaz into her private space, she had cried in front of her and was now allowing Yaz to tend her wounds. If she pushed too hard the Doctor would simply clam up and kick her out of the room, not accepting any help.

“It wasn’t the Tardis” she muttered finally. “It was everything. I don’t know what happened. I just… snapped.”

“You didn’t half… sorry” she added as the Doctor gasped in pain as Yaz struggled to extract a large shard of glass from a particularly damaged piece of skin between her fingers.

“Come on Doctor, no more hiding. It’s clearly not working for you. And I’m not sure either you or the Tardis can take any more secrets. I might not know what to say and I pretend to understand what’s going on in that big brain of yours but I will always listen.”

The Doctor was silent for a long time and Yaz waited it out, concentrating on her task.

“It’s gone.” She said finally. She sounded utterly defeated.

“What’s gone Doctor?” Yaz probed.

“Everything.” Her tone was completely flat and expressionless. She was facing Yaz but her eyes were glassy and unfocused. Yaz could see that she was trembling from head to foot.

“My planet. My family. My friends. My home. Everything.”

She looked… haunted.

Yaz was struggling to understand. How could a planet be gone.

“I don’t know what you mean Doctor” she said as she placed the Doctor’s now glass free left hand gently back on her lap and picked up her right to continue her ministrations.

“The planet is still in the sky. But there’s nothing left of it. The Master destroyed it. Burned the cities to the ground. Slaughtered every man woman and child… There were four billion children on Gallifrey Yaz, did you know that? And he slaughtered every single one of them. There’s nothing left, just ash and bone.”

Yaz was speechless and she concentrated on what she was doing. What did you say to the woman who had just told you her oldest friend had committed genocide against her entire people? She lowered her head so her hair would hide her face and the Doctor wouldn’t see her tears, under the guise of extracting a particularly tricky shard of glass. The Doctor sounded so… broken and Yaz couldn’t bare it.

Having pulled out all the splinters she could see Yaz excised herself with the excuse of fetching a basin of warm water to bathe the Doctor’s hands in, taking the opportunity to impatiently swipe the tears from her face. She needed to be strong for the Doctor. This wasn’t her pain, but she needed to support the Doctor with hers, God knew she didn’t have anyone else.

Yaz was as gentle as she could be as she supported the Doctor’s hands in the basin, sponging the blood from them and then massaging in a blue, healing salve which the Tardis had provided. The only sound was her murmured apologies but the Doctor did not cry out in pain again, she seemed to have shut herself off entirely.

“How long will these take to heal?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor raised her head a little. “48 hours give or take for the cuts. A week or so for the broken bones.”

“I’m going to immobilise them for you” Yaz warned her softly. “They’ll be more comfortable and it’ll help them heal.”

The Doctor didn’t reply but the Tardis gave a soft hum of approval.

Yaz found two braces in the metal box. They were a nude colour, that would extend from just below her elbows, over her hands and would keep her fingers still and secure. Yaz carefully threaded the Doctor’s fingers into the braces, apologising again as the Doctor winced.

“When was the last time you slept Doctor?” Yaz asked as she gently cleaned the cuts on the Doctor’s cheeks. The woman looked exhausted, there were large shadows under her eyes and up close, Yaz could see she had lost weight.

“I’m fine” she said automatically.

“No you’re not. Please sleep Doctor.”

“I said I’m fine Yaz.”

“When I were in school” Yaz said “And the bullying got real bad, I would try and stay awake for as long as possible because every time I slept I had nightmares. Sometimes they were even worse than the bullying.”

The Doctor didn’t say anything but she was completely still and Yaz knew she was listening.

“I could stay with you.” Yaz encouraged her. “Bad dreams are never so bad when you’re not on your own.

The Doctor didn’t respond and Yaz cleaned up the rubbish from the bed. She then climbed back in, but she sat beside the Doctor this time and wrapped an arm around the Doctor’s shoulder. The Doctor went stiff under her touch.

Yaz pulled the thick blanket around them both, tucking the Doctor in tightly. She was stiff and unyielding in her arms. Yaz was conscious that they had never been so close before. She was choosing not to count having to physically restrain her an hour ago. The very few times one of them had got close enough to touch her she had snatched herself back as soon as she could, unwilling to allow herself to rely on them even for a second.

Yaz adjusted how she was holding the Doctor slightly, bringing her closer so she was resting against Yaz’s chest and she rocked them both gently as the Doctor finally seemed to relax a little as Yaz started to stroke her hair.

“You’re not alone Doctor. I’m here with you now.” She whispered. 


End file.
